Empowering myself and Telling My Story

I had an amazing visit with my midwives two weeks ago!!! I love knowing that I have nobody breathing down my back to find out when I'm going to have a baby. No one telling me it is safest for me to have a baby in 2 weeks. Stress. Too much stress!! But no stress now!!!

Thanks Kirsten and Joyce for making me feel safe and trusting in my body!!!

I am in search of some empowering VBAC videos. Here are some I found!!

and......

A beautiful totally modest birth expense:

Here is my story and my WHY!!! I hope it inspires someone!!
I know I CAN!!!

It is hard for anyone who has not had a cesarean section (c-section) to know how traumatic it can be on a mother both physically and mentally. There is trauma for baby but right not I am focusing on mama. Most people feel that we should be happy that we have a healthy baby. I did feel this after the birth of my first child, Adriana. After the birth of my son I felt totally different from the birth of my daughter. I felt manipulated, played by my midwives and doctors. I felt like they took all my freedom away and stopped allowing me to make choices for myself. They made it so I only had one choose to make. I felt violated!! Due to my second experience I do not believe it is not fair to make a women feel that she should be happy with the outcome of her birth because the baby is healthy. So often a c-section is not necessary and done out of convince of the doctor! My second c-section was definitely done out of convince for the doctors and hospital and not out of necessity for mama and baby. Here is the journey I have taken with the birth of my two babies.

When I was pregnant with my first baby, Adriana, I read every book that had to do with natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I was well informed and wanted the best start for my baby. I decided to find a midwife to birth with rather than an OB because I wanted higher odds on an unmediated natural birth. The problem was that I have diabetes and not many doctors will work with high risk patients. I was referred to a birth center that would most likely take me on as a client. Everything was great working with my midwives until I go to about 36 - 37 weeks. The midwives informed me that the doctors want to induce me at 38 weeks. CAN YOU SAY "NO!!!" We went over all my options and decided to do non-stress tests (NST) and biophysical ultra sounds once a week. Things were always fine but I began to get stressed as I was told all the things that could go wrong with my baby. They also called my doula to convince her that I needed to be induced. I truly believe that my body didn't feel safe and I was having "performance anxiety," as on of my midwives, Joyce, puts it. At 42 weeks still being pressure I was still pregnant. I agreed to go t the hospital to be induced with cervodil. I was just barely contracting but the nurse said we can't us cervodil l we had to start on pitocin (pit). At that point I realized the nurses were in charge boss and not the midwives I had hired. I was strong armed into the pit, what else could I do that now had me in the hospital. Adriana's heart rate dropped every time they tried to turn the pit up past a two. She was in distress this is common side effect with pit. After trying to increase the pit all night it was decided my body couldn't do the job and Adriana needed to come the exact way we had set out to avoid via c-section. I was so sad and felt like my body had failed me but I had a beautiful baby girl to bring home so it was worth it in the end, right? Nursing and attachment parenting went extremely well and I recovered amazingly fast so after a 2 day stays in the hospital I joyously able to go home!! The fact that I had a healthy baby was all anyone wanted to here. I could not really mourn the loss of the natural birth I so very much wanted. And at times I felt that because it was necessary I was lucky to have a baby!

Three years later I discovered I was excepting baby #2. We were so excited!!! I went back to the same midwives asking all the right questions and accepting different results. I think I figured if I hired a different doula it would be a different birth. Really I should have hired the same doula and different midwives!! Hind sight being what it is I figured that out to late!! The midwives gave me all the right answers so I thought for sure I could work with them again. Unfortunately at 36 weeks problems came about again. This time it was worse!!!! The first scare was that I have too much amniotic fluid. I researched the problem and called another midwife to get a second opinion. My findings, there wasn’t much of an issue. STRESS AGAIN!!!! At that point the midwife was calling me every other day to tell me the worse case scenarios. I knew what they were from my research but I also knew the statics which were always minute. They wanted this baby to come by 38 weeks and I told myself that was possible but we did talk about it not happening because they could not induce labor so it had to happen naturally. They would let me go to 42 weeks but they didn’t want it to happen that way. Here comes the "performance anxiety" again. Yes, again, starting at 36 weeks my body was stressed about having to perform. I was stressed again for a month and a half. Well at the finally hours (41week and 6 days) I decided I better start natural induction with castor oil, yummy!!! I went into labor, contractions really started!!! Timing was pretty much 1 minute apart and the midwives wanted me there!!! They convinced my husband we should go to the hospital and my doula agreed. So we got into the car and went on a long car drive. Again, hind sight being so much clearer, we should have stayed home longer!!! Once we got to the hospital the clock started!!! I was laboring but once I got to the hospital the labor slowed. After about 12 hours I was told if this baby didn't come soon I was going to have to have another c-section. Why? Was there something wrong with me, NO. Was there something wrong with baby, NO! We don't have enough beds and we need yours. Let's try to break your water. Feeling trapped I agreed. Can I take a nap? No, well maybe for 5 minutes, what? I've been up all night and my body needs to rest. Sorry but we need to get you prep’d for a c-section. I wanted to pack up and walk out. They had broken my water could I really leave. I felt manipulate and trapped. Not being able to see any other options they prep'd me for a second c-section :(. As they rolled me into the cold room I was completely out of control. Upset, disappointed I let this happen once again. I couldn't trust anyone!!! They couldn't even advocate for me! Don't touch me, they couldn't. They called in my husband! He prayed with me and settled me down. Thanks Mary, Our Blessed Mother. James Ralph was born shortly after. Things started to go bad again, James blood sugar was low and they wanted to give him formula!!! Wrong! More stress and trauma!! Why did I know more than the nurses? Why did they want me to think they knew more!!! If he doesn't get what he needs he could have a seizure and then you won't be able to nurse, they told me. Why do nurses feel they have to intimate new moms, especially moms who just had a major surgery? Would they treat any other patient that just had abdominal surgery that way, NO!! Very unprofessional! Again the positive note is I was able to leave 2 days later. I did also have a great nurse once I was in the postpartum room.

So often people say to a person who has just had a c-section (that they didn’t choose) at least you have a healthy baby. I know it is out of kindness that people say this but I don’t believe this is very sensitive to the women. Especially when we don’t know the situation!! Many women feel like they are continuing to be manipulated by friends and family. What else could we say? I remember thinking that really it is not much comfort that I have a healthy baby especially knowing that James' c-section wasn't necessary! Yes of course I want a healthy baby but I also want a healthy birth experience. That was taken from me by getting stressed and performance anxiety. Whatever reason a person has an unwanted c-section is valid. We can offer women support by lending them an ear to hear their story. WE can be empathic to their situation. I will say I am lucky to have some friends that listened to my story. I am so grateful to them as I am sure your friends will be grateful to you if you choose to listen. Please listen to your friends and allow them to express their real feeling about their birth.

Why will I have a natural drug free birth!!!

Because I CAN!!!! At this point one of the main reason I will have a natural drug free birth is because my body wants to have this type of birth. I trust my body and have chosen the right support. They also trust my body. It is such a freeing feeling. 37.5 weeks and I have not felt stress. Loving it!!!

Of course I also want a natural child birth for all the same reasons I have always wanted a natural child birth. It is best for mom and baby. It is the better start for breastfeeding. The body knows what to do and we just need to trust it.

I will say that part of this process of empowerment took me to forgiving my old midwives and doctors. That was also very freeing!!!!

Update after birth will be posted!!!! Look for it!!